This is from anus’Asana parva. Also called dAna dharma parva.
yudhiSThira expresses all his sorrow upon seeing his grandsire, bhISma pitAmaha, lying on that painful bed of arrows, with blood flowing like a mountain river.
He considers the dhArtarASTrAs fortunate, that they died in battle and did not have to see the condition of their grandfather.
He blames himself and his cousins for causing so much harm to their grandsire, and says that his deeds leave him no room for peace, s’Anti of any kind and by any means.
That king, known for kSamA when it comes to others’ faults, is unable to forgive himself.
He says that he suffers like a lotus in a rain, all bowed down.
He uses the word, matkRte – this means he accepts kartRtva or doership for his actions. Thus he can have no peace.
I liked the phrase bowed with suffering like a lotus in the rain. It conjures up beautiful and apt images in my mind.
It makes me want to say upamA vyAsasya – like it is said upamA kALidAsasya – the similies of vyAsa too are sublime!!
satya s’AradA kandula